A patient met his doctor on the street, and after exchanging, "Hello, how are you?" and all that, the doctor said, "Are you OK?" And the patient said, "Yes, you were right. You told me that you would put me on my feet and that I would be walking again in no time, and you were right." So the doctor said, "See? I told you. Since when have you been walking?" The patient answered, "Since I paid your bill and had to sell my car!"

There was a couple who had invited a friend to their home for dinner, but they were in short supply of one of their favorite foods. So the wife said to the husband, "After your friend has finished two pieces, don't ask him to have anymore, OK?" And the husband said, "OK." But when the friend finished the two pieces of their favorite food, the husband forgot, and as usual said, "Oh, please, have some more. I'll go bring some from the kitchen." So the wife looked very, very stressed. And then the friend said, "No, no, no." But the husband still insisted, and the wife looked even more stressed. Then the guest refused even more firmly, and in a hurry said, "No, no, no!" So later when the guest had gone home, the wife was very mad at the husband and scolded him, saying, "How could you do that? How could you do that? I told you already after two pieces you should not have offered him any more, but you kept asking him. You should have told him there was no more left." And the husband said, "I'm sorry, I really forgot about it." And the wife replied, "Forgot about it! But I kicked you under the table. You should have known!" And the husband said, "No, it wasn't me you kicked. It was our poor friend!"

A man kept praying to God to win the lotto. Every week he prayed to win the lotto, but many years passed and he never won the lotto. So then one day he began crying to God, saying, "I've been praying to you for years just to win the lotto so that I could build my house. How come you’ve never answered my prayers?" So God asked him, "Did you ever buy a lotto ticket?" And the man said, "No."

The phone rang, and the teacher answered it, saying, "Hello, may I help you?" A voice said from the other end, "Is this Mr. Hsieh? I would like to inform you that Tony cannot come to school today." The teacher asked, "Who is this, please?" "This is my father speaking, of course," came the answer.

There was a herd of cows in the field, and two of the cows were talking together. Cow A said to Cow B, "Wow, it really makes me worry, all this mad cow disease news going on. I don't know if we are safe, if it's already here and if we're OK or not. Do you know of any sign, to know if we get mad cow disease?" And the other cow said, "I have no idea, really, but I think it's still far away, no?" So the third cow nearby, Cow C, chipped in and said, "Oh, that shouldn't worry us ducks, you know!"

A lady came to report to the police that her husband had disappeared. So the officer looked at the man’s photograph, questioned the woman for a few minutes and then asked whether she wanted to give her husband any first message if they found him. The wife said, “Yes, yes! Please tell him don’t worry! My mother didn’t come!”

At the police department, the phone rang. “Hallo, hallo!” the policeman answered. “I’ve lost my cat!” And the policeman said, “I’m sorry, sir, that’s not the job of the police. We’re too busy!” The person said, “But you don’t understand. This is a very intelligent cat! He’s almost human; he can practically talk!” So the policeman said, “Then you’d better hang up. He might be trying to call you!”

Two madmen were talking in the mental hospital, and one said, "I have decided to give my sister to you in marriage once we are out of here." The other man said, "No, thank you. It cannot be so." He asked, "Why?" The man answered, "Because, according to our family tradition only relatives get married. We cannot marry an outsider."  The other man asked, "How come there is such a family custom?" He said, "You see, my grandmother married my grandfather. My mother married my father; my sister married my brother-in-law, and so on. How can I marry your sister?"

A patient went to see a doctor for his problem, and the doctor gave him a seven-day supply of medicine. The patient took the medicine and died. So his parents became very angry and went to complain to the doctor, and the doctor asked them, "How many days did your son take the medicine?" They answered, "Three days!" The doctor then said, "You see, you see, I gave him a seven-day supply of medicine and he took it for only three days. That's why he died."

A mother gave her kid two dollars and said,"One is for you to do with as you want, and one is to put in the box in church for God." So the kid went around and was playing with the dollars, and then one of them went into the river. She couldn't find it so she said,"Sorry, God! Your dollar's gone!"

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

Apple is on a roll, and the company shows no sign of slowing down.

After the close of the stock market Wednesday, Apple reported profits of $818 million, or 92 cents a share, for its fiscal third quarter. That's a 73 percent jump compared with last year, when third-quarter profit was $472 million. It's 9 cents higher than Wall Street was expecting and 26 cents better than the company's own projections. Strong Mac and iPod sales led the charge, but Apple also has a third business these days.

The company reported selling 270,000 iPhones during the 30 hours before the quarter ended on June 30. That's at the upper end of what estimates were going into iPhone weekend, though far below some of the extremely high estimates that surfaced following the launch. Still, some were anticipating a smaller number afterAT&T reported activation 146000 iPhones during the same period.